I am a male. I am a Muslim. I am a Pakistani and I am gay. I come from a deeply religious family, where everyone prays five times a day and reads the Qur’an every day. I came to the realization when I was eighteen-years-old, while I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend. Even though I was with her, I did not feel any sort of attraction towards her. The only feeling that I felt for her was of a friendly affection, nothing more and nothing less. I say realization, but deep down I suppose I always knew that I was different from all the other guys. I never used to sit and ogle at girls and pass comments about them, but at the time I attributed that to my upbringing and to the fact that I had learned to respect women, having lived with three very admirable women at home, my mother and my sisters. And even though that still stands true, now I understand that it was something else - something inside me which made me think and behave differently. I began to hate myself when I gradually became more and more convinced about my sexuality, trying to cut myself with any sharp thing I could lay my hands on, knives, scissors, blades, anything at all. Whenever such thoughts came into my head, I went and locked myself in my room and tried to hurt myself. I started to pray even more. I sat on the prayer mat for minutes and hours on end crying, begging Allah to change me, not to make me the way I was turning out to be. I thought Allah was testing me, that He was testing my faith, my imaan; that He wanted to see if I could fight temptation. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I struggled or how much I prayed and asked for help, I failed every time. Now I’m reaching that age where my parents are starting to discuss my marriage and whenever I listen into their conversation, a part of me dies inside. The feelings of helplessness and impotency that I go through cannot be compared to anything else. My parents have been planning my wedding ever since my older brother got married eight years ago: how can I go and tell them that I cannot get married? How will I be able to live with myself if (or when) I am married, knowing that I’ve ruined an innocent girl’s life because surely I will never be able to give her the love and intimacy that she truly deserves? Sometimes I contemplate on whether I should tell my family the truth and stop living a lie, thinking that they will love me no matter what. Then my fantasy comes to a grinding halt. My bubble bursts, when I hear my sister or my brother passing comments full of hate and prejudice about gay men and how much they detest them, whenever they see them on television or in person. I sit and think what they would say to me, if anything at all. But now I feel that I’ve come to terms with whom and what I am. I have accepted this fact, that no matter how hard I try I will not be able to change myself. Although, that does not mean I’ve moved away from my religion or from Allah. Why can I not be who I am and stay close to my faith at the same time? Why does it always have to be one or the other and never both? The average person tends to think that people like me are the way we are because we choose to be this way. This may be true for some people, but it definitely was not true for me. Why would I choose to live a life where I have to constantly lie to all those who I care about? Why would I choose to live a meaningless life where I may never be happy? Why would I choose to be this way when I’m fully aware of what my family would do to me, if they ever were to find out the truth about me?

There is a new Spider Man in town, folks! His name is Miles Morales and he is part Latino, and part black. And apparently, Marvel Comics haven’t ruled out giving Spidey a gay future! Miles Morales, of course, replaces the iconic character Peter Parker as the new web slinger. Parker – in a move that shocked many fans – was killed off in June by his arch nemesis, Green Goblin, in the Ultimate Spider-Man comics. Morales reveals himself to be the new boy behind the Spidey mask in the series, and is set to headline the Ultimate Spider Man series in the future. So how does one feel about this? Does Marvel have good intentions here, or is this merely a publicity stunt? Or is this just some attempt at being politically correct? On Marvel’s official website, Axel Alonso, the Marvel Editor in Chief says,

“When the opportunity arose to create a new Spider Man, we knew it had to be a character that represents the diversity—in background and experience—of the twenty-first century”

• “Don't you know?  Being white and straight is so 20th century.” Cobra951, USA

• “Won’t last long when they see the sales figures. It’s a step too far for the average comic book geek, I suspect.” Graham (Hong Kong)

• “Just wait until next issue. He will turn out to be a trans-sexual single mom, now dad on welfare. A military vet with PTSD who also has a drug/alcohol problem…That’s now a medical disability in the USA now.”   Salem (USA)

• “Is it me …or does this PC “super hero” look suspiciously like Obama to anyone else?” Bill (USA)

• “What a great, positive, forward-thinking move! Bravo Marvel!” Samantha (South Africa)

• “ How long until novels, films, art and music will be changed?”Spackle (USA)

• “Nick Fury in Ironman was white, not black like Samuel Jackson. Many Enid Blyton books have been re-written to remove non PC phrases. In schools we cannot have blackboards and whiteboards, we have chalkboards and wipe boards. I cannot believe that most non-white people care about this PC madness anymore than I care about being called white. I know I’m no more really white, than a black person is really black!”  AndyF (UK)

Showing signs of puberty is all that a member of the fairer sex needs to land herself her very first rishta. Though some girls might love to bask in the glory of getting the most suitors without even having to progress to a B-cup, several others despise it. In fact, I have a hoard of acquaintances and friends alike who had to come up with ingenious, and sometimes drastic plans to act as an interlude to their mom’s ‘hunt for the perfect male’. So, I’ve decided to compile a few of their best ideas for anyone who might be in need. Get a haircut... Or make some other drastic change to your appearance which is not acceptable in your social surrounding. One of my friends chopped off her beautiful mane of knee length hair to a short Victoria Beckham like cut. This may be appropriate, or even appreciated in some parts of society, but where this girl came from, it was enough to drive away the rishta aunty who had been hounding her for quite some time. Other possible things that you could do is either get an obnoxious tattoo somewhere visible or get multiple face piercings. Stop using deo...  I mean it. A week without proper hygiene is enough to make any rishta fly away faster than you can say ‘jahaiz’. Make up a fake boyfriend...  Pull the old Hindi movie stunt on your parents. Want it to be more dramatic? Do it in front of your suitor. Tell them you’re madly in love with someone else. Throw in a suicide threat too, just for good measure. Get a real boyfriend...  What’s better than a fake love-of-your-life? A real love-of-your-life. It doesn’t matter if you’ve only been dating a couple of weeks, assure your parents that he’s a doctor, or a doctor’s son, or even remotely related to the field of medicine. It should be enough to placate them for a while. Tell them you want to be a doctor first...  As mentioned in the last point, anything to do with medicine will work. You see, the only thing desi parents love more than saying: ‘My daughter is getting married to a cardiothoracic surgeon’ is, ‘My daughter is studying to be a cardiothoracic surgeon’. Make sure you mention to your mom how you’re doing this to kill two birds with one stone: Bragging rights for them and the good doctor rishta that you will surely find for yourself in your five years at med school. Tell them you’re a lesbian...  Beware, only do this if your parents are extremely open minded and willing to accept people of all sexual orientations. Otherwise this could backfire. They might end up marrying you to the first available straight male in order to rid you of this demon. Fart...  Master the art of flatulence. It’s the perfect human repellent. Tell the suitor your best friend is a guy... ‘You immodest slattern! How dare you even talk to the opposite gender?’ At which point you must tell them that it’s purely platonic because, you know, you are in fact a lesbian. Smile...  You know when they told you a girl’s best weapon is her smile? They were right. In this scenario, the smile is to be used a little differently though. Every time your rishta guy comes up with some insane theory about his principles in life and about how the floods of 2010 were actually an American conspiracy, give him a smile. Not an encouraging one, a patronizing, sympathetic smile. If he’s enough of a Pakistani male, he’ll pick up the remains of his bruised ego and never bother you again. And lastly, Tell them your views.... on abortion, family planning, gay rights and the legalization of marijuana. ‘Nuff said. *Although these tips are tried and tested, the writer bears no responsibility for the consequences. Proceed at your own risk fair sisters.

From every angle, I am your typical Pakistani middle class urbanite twenty-something. There is nothing about my mannerisms, wardrobe or grooming that differentiates me from anyone in my social circle. However, even some of my best friends don’t know my deepest darkest secret, a secret that I have been suppressing for far too many years now: I am gay. This is a story of what made me come out to my best friends: a Mufti sahab. On Sept 6 2011, on the show Frontline, which is hosted by Kamran Shahid some panelists were discussing personal freedom in an Islamic society. The debate touched upon a get together held at the US Embassy in Islamabad to celebrate Gay Pride on June 26, 2011. Being in the closet, I was interested in how the panelist viewed sexuality. Two of the commentators, Orya Maqbool Jan and Mufti Abdul Qawi, both of whom represent the ideological right of the country made some rather hurtful remarks about gay people. However, when the Mufti sahab referred to gays as “worse than animals” something snapped in me. In an epiphany, I realized the absurdity, the ridiculousness, the ignorance of the people who think they are the moral compass of the society. Suddenly, my self-worth was independent of their narrative. I got my 'gay pride'. The very next day, I came out to my best friend, and then to another one, and then to another one. I had been repressing my sexuality throughout my teenage years. I remained sane and out of trouble by ignoring my urges, and compartmentalizing my life. However, I always ended up facing questions about my sexuality, time and time again. Even though I knew I was gay I could not bear the shame of admitting it – not even to myself. Not to mention, my concept of piety and my basic belief system would have been challenged as well. I am not the only one with that predicament. Lesbians, Gays, Bisexual, and Transgendered (LGBT) individuals do exist in Pakistan. And they come in all shapes and sizes, from all walks of life, from every background, from different classes in the society. This is not a Western phenomenon as many contend but a natural one. Given that homosexuality is found in every culture, in every part of the world, throughout history, calling it 'unnatural' is a bit naïve. Nobody chooses to be in a minority, especially in an intolerant society like of Pakistan’s. For most Pakistani LGBT individuals, reconciling their upbringing, social background, religious beliefs, and sexuality, causes mental anguish. The question that faces Pakistani LGBT individuals is, essentially, how much to suppress their inherent instincts, and comply with the societal rules regarding sexuality. Our society is too communal, too conservative, too compliant to be conducive to accepting anyone who is a bit deviant from the heteronormative lifestyle. For the majority, defying these norms is essentially considered an invitation to be ostracized from the community. Many suppress their sexuality, get married, and continue living the lie. Hence, the hardest thing for me was to accept I was gay. Usually, LGBT individuals, everywhere, tend to either somehow try to reconcile their beliefs and sexuality or reject their beliefs straight away. In any case, that acknowledgement of self is the first step, very much like with any other problem. But thanks to one Mufti sahab’s ignorant hate speech, I suddenly became emboldened enough to reject false moral values, with my own. Mufti Abdul Qawi’s “worse than animal” comment hit a nerve. Why would I, as a middle class urban individual, choose to be gay? I cannot live that lifestyle openly in Pakistan, so how could I choose to be in that confrontational position? The learned Mufti Sahab did not even consider qualifying his sweeping statement, like a learned man is supposed to do. Can I live life as an openly gay man in Pakistan? No. Do I envisage a Pakistan with a tolerant attitude towards its LGBT citizens, which guarantees them equal freedoms and rights?No. Did I do something revolutionary? No. Yet, he had called me “worse than an animal." He denigrated my existence on the basis of something that I have no power over. I had to take my identity back from these bigots. They shouldn’t have any bearing on what I feel about myself. I needed to reclaim my own identity; as a Pakistani gay man I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I am. Why should my self-worth be based on what someone with no sense of perspective applies to most society who shared his beliefs? I was finally a free man. The response I got from my friends was far more than I could have imagined. Not only did they understand where I was coming from, but they were also very supportive. Their reaction to my coming out further strengthened that sense of pride within me. For me, it was a cathartic experience, mentally. I was finally starting to go towards a relatively happy place in my mind. Now, not only do I have support of my friends, I also have people who have my back. When they hear a homophobic rants it might not go unchallenged from now on, as they also have vested interest in this debate now. I would like to believe that this makes a small, albeit important, difference to the people around me, as well. We are a society obsessed with conservatism, where people rarely come to a common platform especially for liberal causes. How would this society react to someone standing up and demanding rights and recognition for LGBT individuals? Not great, I’m presuming. However, these small steps help, in one’s own personal space. Thank you, Mufti sahab, for empowering me with your ignorance. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8e9LSFbE_8]]

For 24 years, the horror of lesbianism haunted me. No, I don’t belong to an anti-religion, mod squad, liberal family. My family is as normal as any middle-class and religious family could be. After my teens, I grew up questioning my sexual orientation and my doubts turned into guilty trepidation when I realized this was not "just the phase" I was going through. This was the my life which I had been constantly denying. Being a lesbian in Pakistan where one is eloquently declared a sinner or deemed to have a psychological disorder, is like committing a crime. You are considered as disgusting as filth, as unnatural as molestation, as uncouth as an animal. I decided to remain in the closet; it was safe and respectable. Also, because it remains the only option when you don’t have enough strength to meet your own fears or peoples' questions. Time passed by but my repressed emotions did not die. No matter how blase you act at school  it is still profoundly hard to be accepted. Of course, everyone you know is against marital rape, forced marriages, killing in the name of blasphemy, but when it comes to accepting homosexuality:

"Are you in your senses? Tauba Tauba"

While visiting Karachi University a few months back for a fieldwork assignment, I had a rather peculiar run-in with a group of clinical psychologists. All of them were involved in clinical and rehabilitative projects and had recently banded together to start a small forum to teach people aspiring to enter mental health and also to disseminate specialised information among professionals. They felt that such knowledge was largely disaggregated in Pakistan.  This meeting was atypical for me since it was one of my first encounters with a group of well educated and professionally active psychologists who wanted to inject some vigour into the largely lethargic domain of mental health in the country. One of the psychologists I talked to was working on a project in which he was the chief counselor for a group of HIV positive men – mainly sex workers. I found the topic quite novel and decided to question him further. Obviously when discussing the sex trade, it is pertinent to ask which genders are involved. When I asked him, he told me that he was working with MSM (men who have sex with men). When I asked him if he meant gay men, he brushed me off with a severe 'no'. Call me a skeptic, but I assumed that at least some men out of the several ‘MSM sex workers’ in Karachi must be gay. Here I define gay as being attracted to and engaging in sexual activity with the same gender out of natural inclination or choice. This clinical psychologist, a counselor to the MSM, explained that such men do not exist in the country. Unfortunately for him, I had done some research of my own and therefore I provided him a personal account of several self-identified gay men that I had encountered in the country during my own research work. His response to that was simple, sneering, and not well thought-out:

“Gay men may exist in the upper elite class, but no men from the middle and lower classes would want to have sex with men.”

“Mental health professionals should avoid telling clients they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments, according to a resolution adopted by the APA's Council of Representatives on Aug. 5 during APA's 2009 Annual Convention. There really is no evidence that orientation can change, (or that you can change) who you're attracted to or who you fall in love with. In addition, some participants in sexual orientation change efforts reported an exacerbation of distress and depression when such efforts failed", she added. "The task force also looked at how therapists can help people who are distressed by their sexual orientation in ways that do not attempt to change that orientation. Despite growing social acceptance of homosexuality, some people, particularly men from an evangelical or fundamentalist faith tradition, can't reconcile their sexual orientation with their religious beliefs," Glassgold said. "Therapists can help by teaching such clients active coping skills, reconciling religious and sexual orientation identities and helping them develop social support networks so they feel less isolated. When working with clients who want to change their sexual orientation, practitioners need to acknowledge and explore the stigma and bigotry still experienced by gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. The task force also found that coercive approaches to change teens' sexual orientation—particularly involuntary residential programs—are "contrary to current clinical and professional standards," she said. And parents should avoid programs that claim to prevent adult homosexuality by teaching gender conformity since there is no evidence for the effectiveness of such programs. It's really important for practitioners to try to increase parental acceptance of their children and encourage families to love their children despite any outcome of a child's identity...There is evidence that parental rejection increases mental health problems in children," Glassgold said.

So I was going through the news a couple of days ago, and came across a rather odd piece of news - ‘Iraq emo killings raise alarm’. The first thought in my head was "whoa, did they run out of bombs?". And the second was: - I have short hair - I wear black - I have a pierced lip. If I was in Iraq would they put my name on a hit list just because of the way I was dress? According to a news piece published in Huffington Post on March 11, 2012, these so-called ‘emo kids’ are being killed because as a sub-culture ‘being emo’ in Iraq was thought of as homosexual. Now, we all know that is not true, because if it was then every angsty teenager who ever wore skinny jeans, black clothes, and kohl would be gay, right? It sent chills down my spine when I read,

‘Militants had distributed lists in Baghdad’s Shiite Sadr City neighborhood with names and addresses of 33 people. On top of the list was a drawing of two handguns flanking a Quranic greeting that extols God as compassionate and merciful.’

The president of the United States, dispelled all doubt his democratic supporters or republican opposition had earlier this month when he spoke in support of gay marriage in a televised interview with Robin Roberts of ABC News.  [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ykkz-pDaOzE&feature=relmfu]] The announcement comes at a sensitive time as this is election year and gay rights, union, and marriage have always been a sensitive political subject for those on the Hill and all citizens of the United States. Although the first amendment of the American Constitution’s Bill of Rights includes the freedom of association, laws for and against same-sex unions have always attempted to shift the legality of gay marriage in the United States. This issue brings to the forefront the hypocrisy of specific laws in the United States. While the Bill of Rights may outline the flexibility of living in the country - such as freedom of religion, speech, expression, association and so on - the laws banning the union and/or marriage of same-sex couples violates that “flexibility”. The United States is a country that has strong foundations condemning religious persecution. It is home to many citizens who initially fled their homelands where they may have faced that same persecution, or racial, gender, or ethnic persecution. Thus, the laws that exist should recognise the right of a person to marry another person of his/her choice - and it should be exactly that, his/her choice. It’s like when someone criticises a culture for believing in arranged marriages, but then doesn’t believe in same-sex marriage. Is it not, in a way, a type of “arranged marriage” when one makes same-sex marriage illegal? It is an attempt at forcing someone to only have the option of marrying a person of the opposite sex. A stretch, I know, but an attempt at contextualising the problem. The struggle of gay union and gay rights has always been a strong issue in the United States. Even for President Obama who decided to show support for gay union back in 2008 when he ran for office the first time, but fell short of being in support of gay marriage. It apparently is all about semantics. However, in 2012, President Barack Obama is the first ever president in office to come out in support of gay marriage. For the 21^st century, for the supporters of freedom of association and for the people of the United States who believe in an individual’s choice, this is a victory. And to add to President Obama’s support are the American public. In a poll conducted by Langer Research Association for ABC, the group found that 53% of Americans were in favor of legalising gay marriage while 39% were strongly opposed to the idea. Sceptics have criticised the president’s timing, some saying that he is vying for more votes right before election time and others saying that his announcement is too late to make any real different in the election. Whether or not this is true is irrelevant. However, what is true is that the legality of gay union is still up to individual states, not the federal government. A day prior to the president’s announcement, the state of North Carolina banned same-sex marriage. And to this day, only six states allow same-sex marriage, including New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, and New Hampshire. While gay rights and union will be a constant uphill battle in America, President Obama’s announcement is a step in the right direction. Read more by Manal here or Follow her on Twitter @ManalShakir1

If you’re happy and they know it, then you’re probably not clapping anymore. However, as your claps fade, you may hear the Pakistan Telecommunications Authority’s (PTA) celebrations begin. They stole the legendary pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and that’s reason enough to pat each other on the back - of course in a strictly heterosexual manner. Allegedly the gold they found is labelled ‘silence’ and they are guarding this treasure with their lives by refusing to waste golden words on ‘non-issues’ like the Pakistani gay community. However, we’re not Iran and moderate enlightenment blessed us with a split personality disorder; one side-effect of which is homosexuality. It is, they say, obviously a western evil that is corrupting the society. To top it off, it’s Pakistan compliant and legal just like murder, rape and so forth. However, like all things illegal and impure in the land of the pure, if you don’t speak about it, they’ll hear no evil. The fact that everyone sees it, throws the ‘trinity’ into disequilibrium. While most look away, there are those who can’t. This rare breed is a nuisance, often invading the ‘threat-to-our-values’ threshold. They want to speak, hear, talk and change things. A case in point is queerpk.com, the country’s first official website for the lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender (LGBT) community that refused to follow the golden rule of silence. The website was meant to be an online support platform. Their slogan, “Don’t hate us, Know us” was reciprocated by the atrocious psyche of ‘shut up-or-else’. The saying is, ‘be careful what you wish for’ and they weren’t. Once they were known, they weren’t hated anymore and that’s worse at times. You need effort, energy and the ability to feel in order to hate. However, when you’re numb, you can swat what’s bothering you down and that’s what the PTA did. After all, they had to keep the pristine white purity of the land intact, and this website was just a tad too colourful. So the PTA did what it does best, shoved it under the carpet like it didn’t exist and brought back their golden silence. Now that they’ve taken care of that, they can go back to more important things like thinking up new words that are immoral and banning websites as they choose. However, this is not the end of it, it seems. Funnily enough, queerpk.com is still accessible on a new domain. https://twitter.com/QueerPK/status/382906862670077952 However, what they didn’t realise is that white is only pure because there are several colours that light it up. So every time they do away with a colour, they soil a purity that is beyond their understanding. The light dims just a little bit each time they impose their need for silence. Soon enough- it’ll be all black and last I remember, black isn’t a pure colour either. If you think this behaviour is ridiculously queer on PTA’s part, un-think. Don’t raise your voice to tell them that what they have is fool’s gold that will be washed away the next time it rains. And then we will see a rainbow. [poll id="292"]

Since I was a child, I have been bullied and called names. People have always been cruel to me and it took me a few years to understand that I should not let it get to me. Growing up, nobody wanted to hang out with me; children my age hated me and I was never picked for anything - let alone being picked last. Even the mothers of these kids despised me and adults made fun of me. All this, and only because I was a boy with effeminate traits. ‘I say ‘was’ because I like to think that I have evolved pretty much since then, although those characteristics still exist a somewhere inside me. What hurts the most is that people could have supported me and let me figure things out by myself, but instead they opted for the way that seemed natural and innate to them – the way of offence. The fact is that anything out of the ordinary is always condemned and so was I. People were just never good to me; not even my teachers or my peers. Hence, it was hard to make friends and even my best friend was sceptic about hanging out with me at first, simply out of fear of what people would say. I was a menace, an outcast; and only because I was ‘girlish’. That, I learned the hard way, is something a guy can never be. The world has defined a certain way of life with specific characteristics of behaviour that classify who is who and what is what. However, the truth is that we are all unique, and we are all God’s created beings. Nevertheless, people, refuse to see it that way; they would rather put a label on everything and then hate the people who don’t accept their labels. In fact, people who go against their definitions are shunned and looked down upon. Some labels are derogatory in themselves and the so the ‘different’ person becomes an ideal spectacle to be made fun of or excluded. Our society defines certain ways in which a guy is supposed to behave. If he doesn't conform, he’s not considered one of the male species. As far as my own experience went, I was frankly okay about not being a part of them. I had spent a lot of time trying to figure out my place in this world and I had come to terms with the fact that people wouldn't accept me – at least ‘normal’ people wouldn't. Hence, I turned to the outcasts. You see, these normal people have their own ideals, and if anyone doesn't come up to their expectations, they are thrown out. So a guy like me could never cope. However, the fact is that once you’re out, you need to find your own niche and you usually think, “Oh, it’s so cool, now I can hang out with people who won’t judge me for who I am or what I do; they’ll be cool.” So you try to blend in with the outsiders. In that single moment, you look forward to the point when you will be the one on the inside looking out. When you do eventually make it to the outcast circle, you feel free. You feel like you can be yourself – finally. However, I found out the hard way that even outcasts have their restrictions, and that is where it got even worse for me. A guy like me was called all kinds of names, and one of those names was the ‘gay guy’. It’s true, I have been perceived to be gay quite a few times even though I am not. Personally, I have always been alright with whoever a person wishes to be – gay or straight; after all, it’s their choice. However, what was conflicting was that even these outsiders – the other gay guys – had formed their own criteria and rules of who is gay and who is not. I hoped that they would be more accepting of my view, but all I got, even from them, was judgement. Simply put, the gays want you to be gay and they think that if a guy walks and talks like a girl, listens to girly music and is into fashion, then he’s gay. The gays told me to get out of the closet but I already was out! I'm straight and I cannot put it more simply than that. All these experiences led me to realise that no matter what you do, you just cannot fit in. There will always be someone or something that will push you out of the group. It took me a long time to figure out who I am and where I stand both, sexually as well as personally, and I cannot let anyone tell me where I fit in. The straights didn't accept me and the gays wanted me to change. So, I decided that I had better accept myself for who I was, first. In a world with access to information which earlier generations could not have even dreamt about, most of the time we don’t know what to do with that information or even whether it is right or verified. This diversity of humanity can never be boxed, and just when you think you've categorized each and every human being, there’ll come another batch of babies who’ll burn all your research down and formulate new ideals and new personalities. I fail to understand why an individual can’t just be him or herself. Why should you define who the other person is? Why not give them a chance to show you who they are? In my opinion, lack of trust, incomplete information, and not knowing one’s own self, has brought us to this point. The point where it’s just easier to bash someone and call them names from behind a screen, while you live your life conforming to whatever limits people have set for you. My personal experiences have taught me that the best thing to do is just be yourself, figure out who you are, work on your image and know yourself completely. So that the next time someone ridicules you, you can laugh it off. So this is me: Katy Perry is my idol, I like Disney movies and fashion, I am effeminate but I am straight. Deal with it!

Shehla Rashid cuts a lonely figure in the crowd of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community at Delhi’s protest street popularly known as Jantar Mantar. A student of sociology in a leading university in the capital and an activist fighting for the cause of women and minorities, Rashid has come to express solidarity with the gay community who are outraged over the judgement of the Supreme Court that has criminalised same sex alliance. The young student feels angry that the apex court has lost a historical opportunity to give the sexual minority their due rights under the constitution.

“The judgement has taken us several decades back. The feminist movement is fighting against exclusion, patriarchy, discrimination and violence. The judgement exposes the LGBT to that. The apex court cannot shy away from deciding issues related to fundamental rights. Leaving such a crucial question to the goodwill of parliamentarians, many of whom are not trained in human rights, exposes the gay community to the immense risk of discrimination”, feels the agitated student.

“The judgement is a deep betrayal of the fundamental constitutional promise that the dignity of all citizens would be recognised and that equal treatment is a non-negotiable element of the world’s largest democracy”, says Arvind Narayan of Alternative Law Forum, one of the petitioners in the case fighting for LGBT rights.

“Does it befit a liberal democracy to criminalise homosexual activity between consenting adults? Does it befit it to be hostage to an archaic concept of ‘natural’? Is the criminalisation not an infringement of every value we hold dear: liberty, equality, privacy, the right to life? In this sense, the case is not about gay rights. It is about all of us. It is also about the fact that in a decent society, no one, no matter how small a minority, should be targeted for simply being who they are. The court has, in some literal sense, infringed on the dignity of innocent citizens who just want, like everyone, the right and space to be themselves. To deny them that space is not to uphold some order of nature or a moral value or some tradition. It is simply to let prejudice masquerade as law.”

Aab Tak, a Pakistani television station started its transmission earlier this year with a strong statement,

‘Ladies, Gentlemen and She-males’

“Are you gay or transgender?”

“Why don’t these people become targets of bombs?”

“How can a ‘crazy’ know that he is ‘crazy’ and even know his doctor? This is enough to prove that you are lying.”

A long time ago, a gay Pakistani I know asked me once whether the relationship between Rumi and Shams of Tabriz qualifies as paedophilia. I didn’t understand his question or the context of it because he is well-read, intelligent, knows his religious history and psychology. The question confused me because there was very little I knew about them compared to Madho Lal Hussain. Nevertheless, to avoid hurting my own ego, I referenced my mental notes on the romantic relationship between Madho Lal and Shah Hussain, and immediately tried to correct him.

“The feelings Rumi had fall under what we know as pederasty, not paedophilia! They are two very different things. Paedophilia is the most perverted form of sexual abuse an adult is capable of committing. It violates and traumatises the child for life, in some cases. Pederasty is a consensual relationship between an adult male and an adolescent male.”

“‘Subtle cognitive errors that lay beneath the rim of awareness,’ making our actions stand at odds with our intentions and resulting in errors, conflicts, misjudgements and manipulation”.

“It would perhaps be too much to ask morality enforcers to adopt a renewed perspective on same-sex relationships. However, they do have the choice to address the issue with afw (forgiveness) in light of the understanding that people without a legal avenue to fulfil their human need for mawadda (affection) cannot be expected to be super-moral figures”.

If the famous Bollywood song from Amar Akbar Anthony was made in 2015 in Pakistan, the lyrics would be altered to,

“Taliban pyar ke dushman haye haye, Meri jaan ke dushman haye haye”.

“Mom, Dad, I want to go out on February 14^th! We are having a sleepover at Saad’s to watch the World Cup match. His parents have invited us for dinner. No girls promise.”

“Koi pathar say na maray, meray deewanay ko.” (Nobody should stone my lover)

I was shocked when I read the recent news story about a Muslim family living in Germany who wanted to arrange the marriage of their 18-year-old homosexual son against his will with a Lebanese girl. The son told the media that his family threatened to slit his throat and burn him alive if he did not change his sexual orientation. Eventually, the court intervened and saved the young man from the brutal punishment from his family. This news reminded me of an acquaintance, Azam*, who runs a delicatessen in New York. He told his mother that he was gay when they were visiting Pakistan to find a bride for him. The news left the family heartbroken and angry. To teach him a lesson, the family confiscated his passport so that he could not go back to the US. They physically, verbally and emotionally abused him for bringing shame on the family and vowed more serious sexual abuse in the event he did not change his sexual orientation. It took him months, through the help of the embassy, to get his passport back and travel to the US and live his life as he wanted to. One of my teenage patients, whose parents immigrated from the Indian Punjab, is currently struggling to come out to her family as a homosexual. She is afraid that her family, based on cultural and social traditions, will reject her. She is going through therapy to accept her sexual orientation as well as trying to keep a healthy relationship with her family. This fine balance is hard to negotiate and is causing personal conflicts, affecting her academic performance in school as well. In the 2010 US National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour, seven per cent of women and eight per cent of men identified themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual. There is no such survey in Pakistan but one can assume that the same or a lesser percentage of the Pakistani population belongs to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ) community. Pakistan is a conservative and patriarchal society where members of the LGBTQ community must live secret and self-confined lives to avoid discrimination, stigma and abuse. Under the weight of homophobia, heteronormativity and genderism, they are forced to adopt a lifestyle according to society’s assigned gender roles and expectations. Almost a year ago, in Lahore, a man confessed to the brutal murder of three gay men he met online after having sex with them. He took the self-assigned role of a moral policeman and claimed he wanted to teach the victims a lesson. His morality, if it existed, did not stop him from being involved in sexual acts with his victims. It raises the thought in his case that a deeply-closeted homosexual can often have violent impulses towards others because of his psychological and social conflicts. There is no conclusive evidence to describe what causes homosexuality but many studies have shown that it is a product of biological and environmental factors; not a lifestyle choice. And it should be pointed out that there is no evidence that links childhood sexual molestation with being a homosexual later in life. According to the American Psychological Association, homosexuality is not a mental illness and homosexual men are not more likely to sexually abuse children than heterosexual men are. The Child Molestation Research and Prevention Institute reports that the majority of child molesters are men married to women and therefore are not gay people. Reparative or conversion therapy to change sexual orientation has no scientific evidence to prove its effectiveness. But it has led to higher rates of depression, suicide and alcohol and drug abuse in men who have been subjected to it. Last year, Pakistan casted a “no” vote in the United Nations Human Rights Council when a resolution was presented to stop violence and discrimination against individuals because of their sexual orientation and gender identity. It is the duty of the state to protect its citizens regardless of race, gender, colour and sexual orientation, and in this case, Pakistan failed. It is time to educate parents and families that being gay, lesbian, bisexual or a transgender is a form of normal human behaviour and marrying their LGBTQ children in a traditional way is not a way to cure them. People do not adopt these behaviours from others. Members of the LGBTQ population are subject to more bullying and harassment in the society than others. Parents and family members should provide support and comfort to their children and accept them for what they are. *The name has been changed to protect the identity.

Greeted by the waiter at a café, nervous yet anxious, I inquire about the girl I was scheduled to meet for an interview.

“Ma’am, he is waiting for you upstairs.”

“The first time I had a crush on a girl was on my brother’s girlfriend. I used to hug her and give her flowers from our backyard,” says Ariba.

“Ariba always saw herself as a man. Her dad calls her Mr Pakistan.”

“It’s your fight and everyone fights their own battles.”

“God loves me just the way I am.”

“For me, I just need my God and I don’t need to care about the rest.”

“My parents aren’t understanding, rona dhona (crying), phadday hotay hain (there used to be fights). It’s frustrating. There comes a point when you say main kia karoon (what should I do)? There’s your family on one side, which you love so much, and then there’s the fact that you can’t lie to yourself.”

“I don’t want to embarrass my parents.”

“How can people say it’s in your head? How stupid do you think the other person is that he would give up his life because of something that’s in his head?”

“Yes, I’ve cheated once or twice.”

“If it’s a condition, woh Allah se hai (it’s by Allah). I’m not a part of it in any way.”

“There is no solution, it can never change. It keeps on hitting you and you become stronger...”

If you thought burning women, throwing acid on their faces, bombing their schools, shooting them for going to school, cutting their noses, shaving their heads, marrying them off to holy texts or animals/cattle, selling them into sex slavery or cutting their genitals off wasn’t bad enough when it came to violence against women, here is a brand new way of oppressing women and cementing patriarchy into its place. In India’s Telengana state, men who were ‘suffering from homosexuality’ are given a corrective measure. That measure is rape. Instances where cousins are betrothed from infancy/childhood/youth and if the male counterpart turns out to be ‘queer’ when he grows up, these men are told to force themselves upon their intended in order to ‘cure’ them of their homosexuality. In our cultures, we see quite commonly that the measure of a ‘man’ or his ‘machismo’ is just how much he is able to dominate other people, especially his wife/female family members. The louder he talks, the more sense he makes. The more everyone listens to him, regardless of how much sense he makes, the bigger of a patriarch he is. No surprise therefore that in order to prove that he is a macho man, and not some effeminate ‘queer’ - a strange misconception, since many homosexuals are very much masculine - he is asked to show his force sexually. Psychologically speaking, rape is more about power than sex. It is more about exerting control over another human being or feeling dominating rather than simply getting sexual release. There are many cases where rapists are sexually satisfied in their relationships or otherwise, but choose to rape (prostitutes, wives, girlfriends) because it is either a challenge, a threat to their manhood/power or a question of control. That is one way of looking at this heinous practice - that men are being told to be ‘men’ in order to consummate their marriages and become ‘normal’ by forcing themselves on their betrothed. Another, albeit related, perspective is that women are objects. They are considered so subhuman that the fact that something as humiliating, painful and violating as rape is not considered a problem at all. There are many societies that consider marital rape as acceptable, because once a woman is married to the man on paper or in the eyes of society, she is henceforth his property. He can treat her whichever way he so pleases. In a similar manner, a woman in a retrogressive society such as that of Telangana can be considered yet another object. She is not a human being for whom rape is a trauma - rather she is an ‘it’ upon which any or all experiments are allowed in order to cure homosexuality or any other ‘disease’ that comes to the mind. Misogyny is not a local problem. Corrective rape is a terrifying act that occurs in not just India but across the globe. There have been reports of corrective rape in Thailand, South Africa, Ecuador and Uganda. In these countries, women who are ‘queer’ are raped repeatedly until they fall pregnant and are then forced to marry their rapists. Whether or not society approves or disapproves of homosexuality, the idea of ‘curing’ it with corrective rape is beyond reprehensible. It institutionalises and establishes violence against women and marginalises a community. The more human rights’ group raise awareness and protest against this horrific practice the better.

Case 1:

On her wedding night, *Hira found out that her new husband had a male partner. Her world came to a standstill. He told her not to expect much from him because he had no inclination towards her as a wife. Hira came back to her parent’s house the same night and when she confronted her in-laws, they sheepishly replied that they thought he would be ‘fine’ once he got married to a girl.

*Shumaila’s husband lived in the UK and, despite having been married to her for eight months, didn’t sponsor her visa so she could join him in London to start a home and a family. Shumaila’s father somehow managed to get her the UK visa and put her on a plane to London. Upon her arrival in the UK, Shumaila was devastated by her husband’s rude and cruel behaviour; he seemed to despise her for reasons she didn’t even know. Ultimately, she discovered that he was gay and was living with his male partner who had to move out because of Shumaila’s arrival. Her in-laws never believed Shumaila’s narrative and blamed her for not making an effort to win her husband’s love. Their marriage ended in a sad divorce.

*Ifrah and *Sohail had been married for six years and had an adorable four-year-old son. Many a times, however, Ifrah saw her husband exchanging intimate texts and emoticons on his cell phone with his friends. He always told her not to worry about it because they were just his friends and men just communicate like this. After a few years though, her husband’s behaviour, interests and relationship with other men changed. Soon after she realised what was happening, he adopted a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude with her. Her happy little world, the family she built over years, all fell apart. She thought of giving her husband a divorce, but her parents refused to support her decision, fearing disgrace and finding it hard to get good proposals for her unmarried sisters in the presence of a divorced daughter at home. Their advice to Ifrah was to somehow ‘manage and get along’ with the same life.

Allow me to get straight to the point. Homosexuality exists, and contrary to the mass media being dominated by heterosexual affairs, the ubiquity of same-gender attraction cannot be ignored. Yes, we need to talk about this. It’s difficult to say what percentage of the population is gay, because ‘gay’ and ‘straight’ are not distinct demographics. About 2.5% of the population may be exclusively gay, but realistically speaking, every person lies somewhere on the spectrum. For a long time, we’ve relied on what is known as the ‘Kinsey Scale’ – rating a person on a scale of one to six, with one being ‘attracted exclusively to opposite gender’ and six being ‘attracted only to people of the same gender’. Because homosexuality is considered culturally unacceptable, men who are around, say four out of six on the Kinsey scale, may attempt to convince themselves that they’re ‘straight’. This is because they are indeed attracted to the opposite gender, although not as much as they’re attracted towards other men. This is where the term ‘heteronormativity’ needs to be explored. This word means a lot of things, but what it primarily indicates is a social system where ‘heterosexuality’ is the norm and anything else isn’t. It would have been simpler had the gay community been fighting a covert war with the surface world of straight people, but it isn’t. Quite often, gay people themselves internalise the values of heteronormativity, and try to shape their own lives in accordance with rules set by straight people. One of these rules is that you must marry. Death, taxes and marriage are all unavoidable. The institution of marriage, as it exists in Pakistan, has little to do with love or sexuality. It’s about ensuring your financial security. It’s about political acceptance. It’s about making sure your taya jaan (paternal uncle) is happy, and keeping your neighbouring uncles and aunties from gossiping. It’s about making babies, which we’ve been told is essential to our happiness. Love and sexual satisfaction to the institution of marriage are like a layer of malai (cream) on your chai; it’s nice if it’s there, but they’re not considered essential. In a world where gay people are not allowed to live happily with one another, their only option is to live with you. That’s why you, a straight man or woman, must roll the dice and hope that the person your parents hitched you with isn’t secretly homosexual. That is the price you must pay for not allowing gay people to exist safely and proudly in a parallel universe, and forcing them to merge into your world on your terms. Now you’re afraid your wife/husband might be gay. How did you end up in this situation? You ended up in this situation because he/she wasn’t given a choice to be anything other than your husband/wife. It happened because the day she wept and came out to her family as gay, her parents told her that marrying a man would “fix” her. Did you fix her? Of course you didn’t, because sexual orientation doesn’t work that way. Your entire life, you’ve maintained the opinion that gay people must learn to suppress their orientation, for the sake of religion, culture or the family’s honour. And now your husband/wife is gay, and you’re locked in that struggle with him/her. You helped reinforce heteronormativity, the erasure of gay people, the denial of their orientation and their rights to live their lives on their own terms. Now you’re trapped in a marriage where your spouse, despite his or her best efforts, can offer you neither sexual satisfaction nor love. I hope your mother and father, aunties and uncles, are all happy with the rishta (relationship) they forged; because you now have to live with the consequences of our combined homophobia. Inside the community, activists condemn a gay man who marries a woman, simultaneously betraying his own identity and depriving his straight wife of a healthy marital relationship. Being gay is about more than sexual interaction with members of the same gender; it’s about love, and it’s also about a political commitment to one’s identity. A progressive person tends to support gay people who know who they are, stand by their identities, and remain single despite enormous socio-political pressures against them. But the straight world cannot complain. You cannot fault gay people for playing by the rules you wrote. You cannot condemn gay people for entering straight marriages, when you made it obligatory for every person to marry, and whispered mercilessly behind the backs of unmarried 36-year-olds. Gay people exist irrespective of our opinions on the morality of their actions. They spend their entire lives feeling afraid, ashamed, trapped and futureless. If you are a heterosexual spouse of a homosexual person, you may sample the same cocktail.